


I Hear You

by sheregenerated



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, slight thasmin, sloshed saturday, thasmin discord
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24914302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheregenerated/pseuds/sheregenerated
Summary: Yaz recalls her thoughts from the episode Can You Hear Me and reclaims the words ‘do it right this time.’
Relationships: Thasmin - Relationship
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30
Collections: Sloshed Saturday





	I Hear You

**Author's Note:**

> TW suicide / suicidal thoughts. Read with caution <3<3 
> 
> Angst with a soft ending.

It had taken Yaz years to get to where she was now– or where she had been before this last trip. The process of coming to accept herself for who she is– to love all of herself– was painstaking and important. 

And, apparently, fragile. 

Yaz had seen a lot of things, traveling with the Doctor, but none of them had this effect on her. None of them had pulled her back to that dark place. Her entire being feeling empty and cold, her body heavy, her mind filled with unwanted thoughts. 

It had been the three year anniversary of the day she had run away. The day she had felt so deeply that she needed to be as far away from everyone as possible. So far as to remove herself from the equation entirely. 

The words stuck in her head no matter what she did, the decision so enticing, almost like a command. The thoughts were like a siren’s call she was helpless to answer. They seemed like they would never go away– not unless she gave in and finished the job. 

One of the things that had been introduced into her mind was an ignorant comment about how she would, inevitably, kill someone. Someone. Anyone. Everyone. Anytime. Anywhere. She didn’t have the specifics, there were no specifics, just that thought. Just those words. 

It got to the point it was all-consuming and she went into somewhat of a fugue state, leaving home, her feet carrying her as far as she could go. She walked for what must have been hours, no predetermined destination. She just wanted them to stop, but being out in the middle of nowhere did nothing to quiet the thoughts. 

She had been plunged back into that scene, that day, that place where she finally stopped and sat on the side of the road. Just her and her thoughts, no one around to talk or to hurt. Not until she came. Officer Patel. 

Patel sat beside her and said words Yaz didn’t know she needed to hear. Sat with her until the thoughts dulled like smoke dissipating into the air. She didn’t know the specifics, but she seemed to understand nonetheless. 

It’s not like Yaz was just suddenly better after, never had the thoughts again. It took hours for her to remember what it was like to feel again. To feel anything other than  _ that _ . To hear anything but  _ those words.  _ They came back, tugging at the corners of her mind, but in time it got easier. In time, the thoughts only came in her dreams. 

Dreams just like this one. Standing on that road. Totally isolated from everyone and everything. The wind whipped up, alerting Yaz of a new figure to behold. Standing some distance away was her sister– she was small, distant, but she looked just as she’d looked back then. Officer Patel stood behind her, silent and stoic, her piercing gaze daunting. Before her, the figure in the distance was suddenly right in front of her. 

Sonya spoke to her, but they were not words from a memory. These were words pulled from the darkest corners of Yaz’s mind. Her sister, Sonya, the person she felt closest to in spite of butting heads. Her sister, telling Yaz that she should do it– that she’d not stop her. No one would. She was alone, just like she wanted. Just like she feared. 

But that wasn’t how it had gone. That had been a twisted, darker version of the events. A trick played on her mind by the villainous Zellen. He’d invaded her mind, violated her memories, traumatized her with what was and what could be. Left her screaming into the void for her sister, for anyone. But no one could hear her. 

It left Yaz cold, numb yet somehow… conflicted. Unresolved. She thought she’d gotten past this. Even suggested they stop marking the anniversary with a family dinner. She didn’t mind it, it was her family’s way of showing her support, reminding her that they loved her and celebrated her life. Her decision to stay. 

Guilt gnawed at Yaz’s insides as she thought about the pain she’d caused her sister. The pain that would have been inflicted on them all if she’d gone through with it. She didn’t want them to be in pain, that was never her intent. She thought of how she should have opened up to them, to Sonya at least. 

Maybe it would have been different if she had. But she wouldn’t know– she couldn’t. She couldn’t dwell on the past, on what she’d done, on who she’d hurt. She had to focus on the present, the future, those she loved and loved her in return. Her family knew about her struggles, now, and they listened to her. 

But they weren’t her only family. 

They hadn’t talked to each other about what they saw in their nightmares, though they all knew they’d seen things. They had all been subjected to nightmares in that place. But there wasn’t much time to stop and talk about it, not with the lifestyle they led. They were off and running to stop two rampaging immortals from forcing nightmares on the rest of humanity. 

After some imperceptible amount of time, the running was over and Yaz was tucked up on her couch. Soft blanket pulled up to her chin like a warm shield from unwanted thoughts. But the memory was still there, as was something else. She wanted to tell her– she wanted to tell all of them. To share that vulnerable part of herself, not as a warning to watch out for her, but because it was so deeply personal. She just hoped they were open to listening. 

She hoped she could bring herself to tell them. 

The longer she sat there, the more she thought about how they could react. How they might not just sit patiently, all three of them holding their tongues until she was ready to talk. Frankly, she wasn’t sure some imminent danger wouldn’t interrupt her before she got a word out. Anything could happen, but one thing had to. 

_ Do it right this time.  _

There was one place she had to go before she told them. Someone she had to see. Because those weren’t the only words that stuck in her head from that day. Officer Patel had taken up a wager, said in three years if things weren’t better she’d give her fifty quid. Nightmares aside, her life was loads better, and she couldn’t let this day pass without making good on that wager. 

She took a deep breath and knocked on the door, only for it to be opened moments later. She was greeted by a familiar face, though she was not in uniform and her hair was down, it was undoubtedly the same person. Yaz picked at the coin in her hand anxiously and when Patel recognized her, she felt herself relax. 

Yaz held out the coin, but when she looked down at it, she saw only a symbol of how far she had come. Of days that had been lived. She took it into her hand and when Yaz looked up for her reaction, she looked like she might just cry. Yaz wondered if she’d thought about her often, if she had been waiting for this day or if Yaz had caught her off guard. 

“Do you want to come in?” 

Yaz beamed, knowing she’d done the right thing coming today. Even if it had been hard, even if she ended up talking about it. Maybe it would be scary, maybe she’d cry, but maybe she’d feel better for it. She certainly felt better now, seeing Officer Patel smiling back at her, than if she’d stood her up. It would have been so easy to just run away in that big blue box. 

But sitting here in Officer– in  _ Anita _ Patel’s living room– sipping hot tea and catching up like old friends… she couldn’t imagine running away, now. She felt so good, so loved, in this moment that the thoughts of yesterday felt just that. If you’d asked her three years ago, she’d not think she’d be the happy laughing person she was now. 

They were still there, she could hear them in those silent spaces between them. In the corners of her dreams. But they would not win. She would be louder. Her hope and love would be stronger than them. After all, hope and love abide in the face of everything. That’s what the Doctor said and it’s what she had to believe. 

“It sounds like she’s good for you, this Doctor of yours,” Anita said to Yaz with an encouraging smile. 

“Mum always said to find a good doctor,” Yaz fidgeted with her mug. “Mine isn’t what she had in mind.” 

“Because she’s a woman?” Anita asked, treading lightly. 

Yaz set down her mug, “she’s–” Yaz stopped short and repositioned herself on the couch. “Unconventional.” 

Anita nodded, giving her space to elaborate if she wanted to. She didn’t decide to do so but found the words pouring out anyway. 

“The thing with the Doctor is she’s like shifting sands. Every time you think you’ve got a hold of her, she slips through your fingers,” Yaz’s brows pinched together as she realized a metaphor would never fully encapsulate the enigma that was the Doctor. But it wasn’t like she could explain her to Anita. She could barely explain her to herself. “It feels like–” she thought to the image of the planets, so close to colliding, trapped forever just out of reach of one another. “Like every time I think i’m close to her, something happens that makes me feel like we’re miles apart.” 

“It’s difficult to want to be close to someone who won’t open up to you,” Anita nodded. 

“It’s not like she never tells us anything about herself,” she felt like she were defending the Doctor but she couldn’t help it. “She’ll tell us things, say something, but she’s ten steps ahead by the time we process what she’s said.” 

“We?” 

“Our mates, Ryan and Graham, they travel with us,” Yaz said, not realising it sounded like they were tagging along on Yaz and the Doctor’s ride. 

“Do they know?” 

“No,” Yaz fidgeted with the hem of her shirt, “I think they know there’s something.” They knew she had a nightmare, they all did, but none had divulged what they’d seen. 

“Are you going to tell them?” 

“I think–” Yaz looked off to the window, but not quite beyond the frame. “I think I want to. Y’see, they’re more than my mates. They’re my family. And I want them to hear me like my parents and Sonya did, you know, after.” 

Anita smiled back at Yaz until she met her eyes. “I’m really glad you’re here, Yaz.” 

A slow smile spread across Yaz’s face, “me too.” 

Yaz felt more prepared, after seeing Anita. She stood a bit taller, walked with a bit more confidence in her stride. She was resolute, she was going to open up to them, no matter how much her hands picked at whatever was within reach. The whole time she walked to the TARDIS, inside, up to the console, to the Doctor, those words echoed in her mind. 

_ Do it right this time. _

Yaz could see it, the confusion, when Yaz asked to be taken to the middle of nowhere. But the Doctor was never one to say no to Yaz, so she set the coordinates and they popped a few miles away to the side of a road a good distance from civilization. 

They stepped out and the Doctor immediately threw her arm out in front of Yaz– a protective measure until she was sure the sheep dotting the plains were harmless. This small act of kindness, however strange, warmed her heart. The Doctor never would go long without doing something so very, well,  _ Doctor _ of her. 

She knew her fam had her back, they’d always look out for her just like she’d always be there for them. As she stepped out into the road, the three of them following her out, she turned and saw them all waiting for her to take the lead. Even the Doctor, ever so wary of fluffy dangers, stood at attention with a soft understanding expression. 

Yaz took a deep breath and began tracing back to the start of it all, not skipping out on any of the dark parts. She did pause to look at them, ensure they seemed alright with her continuing before saying anything that might be triggering. After all, they might have similar experiences she wasn’t aware of and didn’t want to inadvertently send them spiralling like she had. 

By the time she was finished, the four of them were sitting in the grass, Yaz plucking at the blades and snapping them to pieces to keep her hands busy. They were quiet, listening to her every word, without cracking a joke or bringing up some memory of some previous encounter. The wind blew softly against her skin, but it didn’t provide a chill or daunting atmosphere. It was more like a soothing caress encouraging her to go on. 

When Yaz looked up, her eyes holding their gazes as she waited for some verbal response, she saw that they too had a shift in demeanor. Her opening up about her own experiences had them want to share as well. Graham went first, talking about how he saw Grace again. Though Yaz knew about Grace, she was present and listened the entire time. Ryan opened up next, about his friend Tibo, about his fears about leaving people behind on Earth. The Doctor, however, was silent and the three of them shared a look of understanding when the Doctor suggested they head back inside. 

As they walked back to the TARDIS, Yaz and the Doctor naturally fell into step behind the boys. Yaz fidgeted with the blades of grass still pinched between her fingers as she observed the Doctor’s demeanor. She was withdrawn, miles away in her own mind, and Yaz felt alone again. A feeling she did not wish on anyone, let alone the Doctor. 

“I was thinking,” Yaz began, “when I brought you here, to the place where things changed for me… I just… I want to be there for you too. You don’t have to say anything, but if you ever want to talk, or if you just want a hug or something, I mean, I know you’re not big on hugs, but–” 

Yaz was so nervous that she was approaching Doctor territory with her rambling. She probably would have gone on forever if not for the Doctor wrapping her arms around Yaz. She knew then that she’d done the right thing, that even if the Doctor wasn’t ready to talk about it, she knew without a doubt that Yaz was there for her. 

Sometimes, things have to be said. Sometimes, they’re things you don’t know you need to hear. But having someone who hears you, even when you’re silent, can make all the difference. 

**Author's Note:**

> I went through a rough patch last week but the Safe Space and Thasmin discords have really been lifesavers <3 <3 take care of yourselves y'all.


End file.
